daniel esparraguera's posterous

Conversations I’ve overheard recently.

When I post these little comments I am paraphrasing  what I overheard because that’s important. I hope the impact remains true for those who are reading.

That made me glad.

I was frightened but it was too important a situation to say yes. I'm glad I said No.

That made me wonder.

I'm at maxamium bandwidth, that's 18 hours a day of work 7 days a week.

You're accessing a little bit of lost memory that's what your scared even though you don't know why.

That made me sad.

I'm repeating the same conversations day in day out, it's like no one is listening to me.

Nostalgia: a forgotten sell?

Perhaps it's just part of the process of living as life and accruing days, weeks, months and year on the planet but I'm beginning to wonder about the return of Nostalgia as a tool in a marketing project.

My guest Blog on TAGtribe

The nice people at TAGtribe asked me to guest blog on their site this week.

You can read "Need, want and would like" at  http://tagtribe.posterous.com my take on forming relationships and getting advice off line against taking advice on line.

Feel free to post comments particularly if you disagree, I am always happy to hear anothers side of the story.

I'm speaking at Late Late Breakfast Show

I’m going to be one of the speakers at The Late, Late Breakfast show on 28th June.

 Hosted by Bernie Mitchell this monthly event gives 7 speakers 7 minutes to talk about a topic very close to their heart. I'm even more pleased to tell you that Bernie won't allow a speaker to pitch in any way, shape or form which makes for a refreshing evening, that is followed by what is described as a ' Meet up, because networking is so last century. '

When ever I've gone along, I've met an enjoyable, enthusiastic group of people who take the time to engage with the speakers and each other over a glass or two.   

So far, no one has tried to stick a business card to my forehead or become my new best friend because I showed an interest in what they do for a living and they thought that meant I was up for being sold to, which say a lot about the event and the people that take the time to attend.

 Bernie keeps updating people via his twitter feed @berniejmitchell and here's a link to a page that will help you with more information.  

 Hope to see you there on the 28th.

Starting therapy: How do you pick your therapist?

You’ve made the decision that therapy is for you and now you need to find your therapist, how do you go about find the right one to work with?

If you have decided that you have the time and money to engage with a therapist who runs a private practice, you will find that many of us have a degree of web presence and are easy to reach.

I would suggest that you start searching on the internet and base that around the most suitable location for. Therapists tend to operate through a long working day; many will offer appointments before, during and after normal office hours so you should be able to work with someone in your area at the time of day you feel most comfortable with.

I say should because it seems sensible to say that the most sought after sessions are usually before and after work and you may find that some therapists have a waiting list for these sessions. Some level of give and take may be necessary to find a day and time that works for you and when the therapist is available.

Picking the right type of therapist can seem daunting. Many labels are attached to a therapist professional qualifications and area of theoretical orientation. If you have the time and space to be able to do some research beforehand that might help, however I would recommend asking when you first speak to your therapist how they work, what sort of qualifications they have, whether they are a member of any professional bodies and how long they have been in practice.

You will find that most therapists are qualified to at least graduate level; many are holding post graduate qualifications and are members of a profession body such as The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy or the United Kingdom Council for Psychotherapy. Both these bodies publish codes of practices and ethical standards that there members uphold.

The therapist will ask you why you want to engage with someone, should explain how their fee structure works and if they have space to take you on will probably recommend an initial session. This session will give you a chance to speak about what you what to work on and gives you and the therapist time to decide whether you can work with each other. It is worth mentioning that many therapists will, in an initial session, ask about your family background,

Therapists will have a contract that offered to a client which covers, your confidentiality,  fees, dates and times, duration of therapy, what happens when you are on holiday, how to cancel sessions and terminate your therapy. It isn’t unusual for a therapist to ask permission from a client to contact your GP should the need arise or ask whether you are taking any prescribed medications. Some contracts may include a clause stating that the therapist will not work with you if arrive for a session under the influence of narcotics or alcohol.

In many ways I’m sure that what I written sounds like a lot to hold on to, ask and absorb. I think it is important enough to bring up because what you are doing at this stage is forming a relationship unlike another that you have had before and it makes sense to have a set of boundaries around this.

You will know where you stand and what the implications of your actions are rather than guessing at the outcome or effect on this relationship. It will make sense as you and your therapist work together, creating a space in your life that feels safe and confidential for you to work on how you relate to yourself and the outside world.

Starting therapy: How much time do you have?

Engaging with a therapist is going to take up your time and unless you are offered free sessions will cost you a sum of money so it probably makes sense to check that you are clear about the amount of time you have before you start.

Whilst I can’t cover specific reason for starting, I don’t know you and your personal experience; I can pose some questions, through this series of posts that you might want to consider.

As a good a starting point as any that I can think of is to consider this question “What is my relationship with myself like, how does that affect my relationships with those that are closest to me and how I am seen by the outside world?

The work that takes place in a therapists consulting room is about you and the therapists role in this relationship is to support you whilst you explore you issues around how you relate to you and present yourself in the world.

You may find that your therapists questions or challenges what you have said or done whilst you are in a session or points out that your position on a particular issues has changed since this was mentioned. It’s part of the process and in many ways this is the role of your therapist. To reflect on what is happen between the two of you and report back anything that has changed or is inconsistent.

At times this can be a provoking process, bringing with it many different emotions and thoughts. Whilst it seems sensible to say that a session may only last 50 minutes, the thoughts and emotions that may come up will take longer to process.

Balancing the time for sessions and the work that you do in-between them is an important part of a therapeutic process. Making time and space to find a good work life balance is difficult enough, adding in the time to process and work on you will mean extra time and effort. 

The return for your investment in time and money may well be a clearer understanding of you and a changed relationship with the outside world.

Thinking about starting therapy?

As an integrative counsellor I am a committed advocate of working on ‘us’ through a process of engaging with a suitably trained and qualified therapist, I hope that you would expect nothing less from a counsellor.

 I believe that working with a therapist offers a chance to form a relationship that allows for the confidential discussion of issues that affect the quality of our everyday life. Working in this way creates a place where you can discuss the relationship you have with yourself and how that affects your perception of the outside world.

Over the coming weeks I intend to blog on a series of points that my experience, training and feelings tell me are important to consider when you are thinking about engaging in a therapeutic process with a counsellor or psychotherapist. My aim in doing this is to provide information to those who are thinking about working with a therapist,  those who find the first steps towards this a daunting or confusing process and to help remove some of the perceived and actual hurdles for a would be client.

Please feel free to post any question that you might have in the comments box below or contact me through the links at www.citycounsellor.com

Wheeled cases; the Past, our Present carried to the Future.

My journey's in to London are on the Railtrack network bringing me into the heart of our capital usually in good order, although as I type my mind is thinking of all the delays I've suffered over the years since deciding that driving and London don't go together.

One thing that I do notice as I pick my way from platform, across the concourse out to the teeming streets is the amount of wheeled cases that are around and how their users charge off pulling along with varying degrees of control. Perhaps this post is inspired because yet again I've had my ankle whacked and my toes run over this morning but as I watch people charge towards an exit pulling their case and its worldly contents this strikes me as an interesting metaphor.

Society sees the past as something that can be shaken off, a driver of forward motion and change or a measure of your personal struggle and success, isn't it amazing that she achieved so much from such a dis-advantaged background. I'll go even further and say that there are a growing group of people who believe that our pasts should not effect our future. @robcooguera is amongst this group of people and it's something that we discuss on as regular basis.

My point is this when you are en-route or arrive at your destination with your wheeled case what are you bringing with you? When you packed it with all those important things that you need for your holiday, meeting or match where did the contents come from, not the past right, not things you already own?

Whenever we meet and interact with others what we have with us is our collection of experience gained through our journey in life. We bring and represent our past into the present. Whether you are meeting someone for the first time or the 1,000^th we all reference the past as we get to know each other or reconnect. It strikes me that we are all influencing our future by what we carry with us in the present. Whether we deliver that in a conscious way by telling people what we have done for others in the past as a proving point for how helpful we might be in business for the future or in an unconscious way that we don't control through our body language it's all information that we bring to the here and now.

On that basis doesn't it make sense to spend time exploring your past to understand how you effect your future?

Superman and Wonder Woman only exist in comics.

Last time I checked these two characters occupied their own worlds in a printed form, on our televisions or at a silver screen near you.

They represent a collection of extra human beings who, over come the seemingly insurmountable, save the world from disaster and cheat death at least once a week. In short they perform above and beyond what is humanly possible, yet we relate to them and strive to match their exploits.

It strikes me that this relationship is the work of Super Ego, a structure where the world of external influence imprints on our unconscious and is referenced by our clients, bosses, partners, media outlets and families on the same level.  We all know that there is only so much that can be done. After all whether rich or poor we are all blessed with exactly the same amount of time in each day and given free will on how we use that. Yet we drive ourselves to complete tasks lists that are huge, work late into the night and when we do rest our minds probably tick over on all the things we said we would do the next day and how are we are going to finish what is left over from today.

Saying "Yes" to a request with a short deadline seems default, otherwise they might go off and ask someone else, when all is said and done how can we say "No", this might just make the difference between staying afloat or going under. If any of this sounds familiar and the last time you said "No" is a dim and distant memory, what does this say about your relationship with you? Doesn't it make more sense to say "No" and work on your R & D, not your research and development but your Reliability and Delivery?

I suspect those addicted to this pattern of behaviour are still struggling with this post, how about thinking about our relationship with requests in this way, would you rather be know as someone who says "Yes" and misses a deadline or someone who says "No" yet rates highly in terms of Reliability and Delivery

It's your relationship with you and those you interact with, your 24 hours, you get to choose.

The Beginning is the Beginning of the End.

As a first post my title may seem a little bleak.

My experience in life is that huge effort is placed on getting something started. I can think of several occasions when I have and see others use enormous energy to pursue someone or something, a new customer, friend or a relationship with that someone special.

There seems to be a basic need to do this and to a greater or lesser extent this is an activity we all engage in. The level of effort usually doesn’t concern us; after all if we live right, eat well and get enough sleep we can begin each day with full tanks.

So off we go busy in our lives making new relationships in all the areas we need to find them.

When something changes in that relationship that we spent our energy on changes and it isn’t what we thought it would be it can seem strange, after all how can we be expected to keep that level of effort up. It strikes me that when we begin something we are looking at just that the beginning.

If you viewed the beginning of a relationship as the beginning of the end how would you approach the way you select your relationships and how would you form them so that when they end you understand why and how?